


it gets personal

by adarkharmony



Category: adarkharmony
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2020-09-01 14:07:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20259322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adarkharmony/pseuds/adarkharmony
Summary: Welcome to my mind.I made this to give people a glimpse into what really goes on. How I think. Why I do the things I do.I know I look like I just smile all the time and have it under control but I don't. Truth is, I am struggling and I don't know how to fix it. I hope this helps. And if not, I hope it at least helps someone.





	1. hurry up and wait

My eyes open and I'm greeted with the scent of cold dust and the melodic chime of my alarm. A light shines through the opening of the cracked door and I can hear my brother still bustling around in the bathroom. To contrast this, no light shines through my busted blinds. We just moved, but I somehow got the room with busted blinds again.

My walls are dull.  
Everything is dull.  
I just got color back, why did it go so fast?  
I love color.  
Come back.

I exhale all the air from my lungs and reach over to the glowing blue screen. It looks faded and different from how I last saw it. No. That was my imagination. It didn't change.

I fumble and swipe the little white circle to the side, silencing the music. I hate that music. It is so sweet and innocent and I set it to try and wake me up not as upset, to give myself a small reason to smile. However, I can't sleep without music playing to block out the noise of the house and have gotten used to sleeping to my music. I had to set it to something I don't usually listen to.

Either way, it is now 6:30 a.m and I have school. I hit the pause button on my music and disconnect my headphones and charger. My brother is starting to finish up, and I hear him speeding up. How many seconds has it been? How long do I have? I check the time. 6:33. I am an idiot.

I sit up and go to pull the three blankets off of myself but a rush of cold air sends me recoiling in surprise. This happens every morning. Why is it that surprising? I just never got used to the cold. I resolve to wait until my brother comes out so I can spend as little time as possible in the cold air.

As if the universe was reading my mind, the door swings open with a loud creak and bounces off of the wall connecting to my room. My brother marches off into the living room and slips his shoes on, grabbing his bag and heading out the door. As it slams shut behind him, I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and stand up. I don't want to do this. Why am I doing this?My stomach growls but I dont know what it is from.

I feel nauseous.

I always feel nauseous.

I ate last night didn't I? What did I eat?

I don't remember.

It is my anxiety isn't it. What do I have to do today?

It is too foggy.

Why don't I remember, I do this every day. What are my classes?

English, history, health, science. What did we do yesterday?

What day is it?

Did we have work for home?

Yes I did it

Didn't I?

I'll have a half hour or more if I hurry.

It hurts.

Suck it up and don't be such a failure.

Okay. I walk to the bathroom and flick on the light and fan, bracing. My stomach hurts worse. My eyes are filled with tears when they meet the ones of my reflection. Why am I like this? Why can't I just be normal? Why do I have to have this stupid mental disorder and why do I have to have these skin problems?

My acne is all I see. I try to focus on my hair. I dyed it a vibrant color for inspiration. I say it is for others, which is true. I also dye it for myself. I want to see vibrant colors again. They are something that makes me happy. I should focus on the little things that make me happy. I don't want to be sad.

I don't deserve to be happy.

Why don't you.

I am weak and should forget my problems. Thinking about it doesn't help anyone.

What did anyone do for you anyway

People care about me

You are lying to yourself

You're lying to me

You're sick.

You're the virus.

Stop.

I turn away from the mirror and check the time. Somehow 7 minutes have passed. My stomach cramps up and my heart rate spikes up. I have time if I hurry.

Hurry.

Why am I so nervous? I hate this.

I part the damp shower curtains and go to turn on the faucet, but the tap still has the block up. I remind myself for the seventieth time to tell JC to put it down when he gets out.

It couldn't have been 70.

You're right.

The water is pouring out of the tap.

There are 5 days in a school week.

The stream is getting weaker.

Weak.

Week.

How many weeks have we been in?

One two three four five- no we were out for over 5 days for the hurricane- no that was only a few days. Two weeks?

Drip pitter patter drip drip splat drip drop.

The water is done draining. I should start the shower. I start it. I remove my clothes and my reflection catches my eye again. I'm too...

Thin  
Fat  
Ugly

No. I'll grow out of it. It is just because I just woke up. I'm not ugly. I have a boyfriend.

He is faking it

Don't make me doubt him.

Stop it. He has nothing to do with this. He cares.

I get in, but I don't want to. My skin turns red immediately. The water is hardly warm and my throat closes up. What if the red stays this time?

It's the rosacea you are fine.

Turn the heat down.

I'm cold

Then be cold.

That's right. I can't be red. I turn it down. I tilt my head forward and wash my hair. My eyes are shut and my heart is pounding. Images flash through my mind and shadows dance across my eyelids. I hear giggling. I hear footsteps. I hear breathing and scratching and just NOISE and it keeps getting louder and Louder and LOUDER AND IT IS SCREAMING AND

my eyes fly open. Soap stings them and my hands fly to my ears, pushing hard to block it out. I am trembling. The sound stops while I frantically look around. I sink to my knees and just start crying. My hands shakily fall from the sides of my head and I press my face into them.

There is nothing there.

There never was.

"I know." I sob. Conditioner has made my skin feel dirty. I have to wash my face or I will break out. My pores are open. I have to hurry.

I get up and pull my hair back, squeezing the water out of it. I wash my face and exfoliate lightly. Only exfoliate deep at night, just get the conditioner off in the morning. I've got this.

I move on to wash my body. I am calm for a second, I am warming up. The water has gone warm. Did I turn it up? I don't remember. It is nice.

I rinse off. What time is it?

I turn off the tap and grab my towel while unblocking the thingy.

I wipe my face and hands and wrap my hair in a towel.

6:49.

One minute to dry off and then I can dry my hair

6:50

Too late. I will be late.

I towel dry quickly and then comb my hair through. I dry it with the hairdryer and listen to music to calm down.

After my hair is dry I get my clothes on while the moisturizer dries on my face. Then I will do makeup. I will be ready by 7:30 then I will make lunch and leave at 7:40. Ten minutes before the bus arrives.

Too early, calm down

You will be late otherwise. You will miss the bus and everyone will hate you.

Better to be early than late. I can NEVER be late.

I look presentable with makeup, right? People will like me better.

I smile.

For you.

Be happy.

For me.


	2. gooodnight everyone

I'm tired. So. So. Tired.

My eyes sting and I frequently blink away the cold air, trying to shield the delicate tissues from the sharp claws of the draft. Maybe there isn't even a draft. Maybe the stillness in the air is settling on them like a burning, icy sheet. My eyelids feel stiff and heavy, as if each of the delicate lashes were attached to hundreds of little weights. They pull themselves together with an invisible stitch, and hold themselves closed. It hurts. Even the darkness behind my eyelids is too bright. I wait to adjust.

My breathing slows down. My lungs feel full, but not with the chilled, biting air. They ache just as my eyes do. The air smells like dust. Dust and staleness. It pinches my nose and I feel like I am going to sneeze. I won't, but the feeling will remain. It feels as if my lungs are filled with a thick and sticky tar. It seeps through the damp chamber and clings to the walls, reaching into the tissues and entering my blood. It is delivered to my cells and poisons them, one by minuscule one.

My body settles down and mimics the heaviness of my eyelids. My muscles stiffen and I find myself unable to move them. I hear movement around me. Not in the normal ways. It isn't a blanket shifting, the carpet flattening around a cautious, slow moving item, or even a crinkle of an article of clothing. It is so much more subtle. It is a silent breath, a tilting head or falling hair. It is the spreading of lips to form a crooked grin. It is the dilation of a pupil, of the small wet sound caused by a blink. It is the creaking of a joint, muffled by the surrounding muscles fat and tissues. It is a movement and I do not know what it is from.

My cat is asleep in the living room. I didn't have the heart to wake her up before I went to bed. I didn't have the motivation to get up to do so either. Things have just been hard for me to do lately. It couldn't be her, I can still hear her snoring echoing through the dark and empty house. It bounces off of the unpacked boxes and walls, since there is no other furniture it can bounce off of. We have been here for 2 or 3 months but my dad is the only one with a place to sit. He brought his chair from our old house, and we aren't supposed to sit in it. He got rid of the couch. My brother and father are both asleep. Had I not known this fact, I would assume it was him standing in the doorway watching me like I've caught him doing or my brother coming in because he had a nightmare. Why do I hear the sounds of someone in here with me then?

I want to open my eyes and see but my body craves sleep. It is harder for me to do things now, they take more energy. It takes energy to hold myself together and not break from the pressure. I know if I open my eyes then I won't be able to fall asleep for another hour at least. No matter how tired my body gets, until my mind calms down there is no sleeping.

Forget it. I won't be able to sleep unless I know if someone is in here and who they are. I'm wasting time. I do that a lot don't I.

I tear apart the stitches holding my eyelids together and part them. My eyes take a moment to adjust, even though there wasn't much of a change in light. Oh well. My vision sucks and I don't sleep in my glasses. I look beside me, and slowly turn until I have surveyed the entire room. A breath tickles the back of my neck and I twitch. I hate that.

I look at the ceiling, half expecting a nightmarish creature to drop down onto me. There is nothing. I peek under my bed, wondering if they are hiding under there instead. Still nothing. I sigh and swing my legs over the edge of the bed and plant them on the worn carpet. I push off of the bed with my hands and walk around my room unsteadily.

I am not scared of this creature. I know what it is. I just want it to confront me already and I want to figure out how it works.

I realize it isn't in that room and begin a sweep of the whole house. Pausing in the doorway of the bathroom, I take a deep breath. Very few things scare me. Mirrors are one of them. I put my hand up to the left side of my face, forming a shield for my vision so I don't see the mirror before I make it inside. I made that mistake before.

I walk halfway into the dark room, keeping a hand on the door. I've had too many of then shut behind me. I release this grip when I flick the switch on. Now the door can be closed. It clicks in place and I force the shower curtain open with a loud whoosh. The faucet leaks a little, but there's nothing in there. Damn it. I hate having to do this.

I close my eyes and step up to the mirror. I don't open them until my hand is firmly on the glass. Gazing back at me is my reflection. I hate it. It looks off, the smile is too exaggerated and the eyes are a weird color. The pupils shift nonstop. This person makes me uncomfortable. It isn't me. We both know that. They are in there, but they're not the thing I'm looking for.

"Now you stay where you are. Don't make me come back in to check on you." I say to it and the smile flickers out. Sorry to ruin your fun but 2 in the morning on a Wednesday isn't the time for a game. I open the door and flick off the light. I don't look back at the mirror before I exit.

Never

Look back at the mirror

Before you exit.

Carrying on with my search of the house, I run into all of the familiar things that have always followed me. Tucked away in dark corners, crouched inside of closets and cabinets, perched on top of the fridge or a counter, hanging upside down or just standing on the roof, and sometimes standing in the center of the room. They all stare but none approach. It isn't their time.

I give up. It was right there and I know it but it never wants to be found. I haven't figured it out like I have the others. I sit in front of the tall figure standing in the corner. He has shifting features and at first he scared me. He is the source of my confusion. I lose my train of thought. I think it is because he connected mine to his. I give him life.

"Hello," I whisper and stare up at the glowing eyes.

He doesn't respond. He doesn't need to. His mouth is stitched shut.

"Have you seen it?"

He stands completely still, but again I know the answer. I smile at him.

"You don't scare me. Don't worry. I know you don't try to though. Not anymore."

He still doesn't budge. I feel soft fur glide over my hand and I look over at it. Two glowing green eyes stare back. The man doesn't move, but I know he is looking at her too.

"Okay Kitty. You're right. Let's go to bed."

She seems concerned, but she knows them just as well as I do. She knows I am sick. I pick her up and she meows.

"Sshh..."

We walk back carefully. I avoid looking at them but she stares as we pass them, as if warning them to leave us alone. None of them move. I lay her down on the bed and lay down as well. I can see the man staring at me through the doorway.

"Goodnight." I whisper and wave to him. He puts his hand up and blinks. I smile. He is learning.

My cat curls up at my feet and I close my eyes again, putting my headphones back in. My blanket is pulled and my cat hisses. My mood sinks again. It is back.

I sigh and leave it. It's best to let that thing have its way.


	3. something, nothing, thing

Animals are very strange. They seem to pick up on what their owners do, and sometimes what they don't. They have a deep understanding of how everything works, and how "nothing" works.

Nothing is something. It is always something. But it also isn't something because everyone knows something. Nobody truly knows nothing.

My cat picks up on nothing. My cat picks up on something.

I see something and sometimes nothing. Very few people see nothing.

Remember the things I mentioned in the last chapter? Most are something but a few are nothing. The one I couldn't find was nothing. The man was something.

This is confusing.

They show up, everyone has at least one something. My first something was a silver person.

I woke up in the middle of the night in the house I grew up in. My parents were still together so I was very young. The pink ceiling and carpet were unusually dark against the lavender walls, and my headboard rested on a mural of a stone bordered window. The window looked out at a meadow. It was beautiful and I used to have dreams of going through it and playing in the field. I have a vague memory of a unicorn too. Childish as it sounds, I was quite young.

Anyway I woke up and my throat was very dry. I didn't hear a television and knew my parents were asleep. I didn't have a doorknob at this age, just a hole in the door where one was supposed to be. I didn't want to get in trouble with my dad for being up so late so I made my way over to it and peeked through it. I guess I should have noticed the glow through it before I looked because instead of seeing a dark hallway I was met with a wide blue eye surrounded by shimmering silver skin.

I gasped and dropped, pressing all my weight against the door. My heart pounded and I wanted to scream. I was terrified. I had no idea what it was. After what seemed like an eternity of shaking and being frozen with fear I peeked through it again. The thing was gone. I didn't want to go back out there, and decided to just bear with the sore throat. I got back into bed and hid under my covers until I fell asleep again.

I don't think I saw that thing again. I probably scared it off. Either that or it shifted its shape and took the form of the shadow man I now see.

I dont remember much about when the others showed up or how many there are. They come and go but I remember the man the best.

The man is docile. I dont know when he showed up or how he did. I just remember seeing him. He is very tall, a shadow of a man. His clothes change. Sometimes he has a trenchcoat like a detective. Sometimes it is a business suit. Sometimes farmers clothes. He changes clothes, which struck me as odd because he's the only one who does that so far.

He doesn't have any distinguishable features apart from his eyes and his mouth. It is a very long mouth, stitched shut. He opened it once when I saw him while I was in the shower. His shriek was very loud. My ears felt like they were bleeding and I covered them and collapsed. His eyes became visible as well. They were bulging out and bloodshot red. He gasped and shrieked and I panicked and fell and sobbed. He went quiet when my brother knocked and asked what was wrong. I just kept crying and stared up at him. His eyes were glowing white again like normal. That night I found him in the closet with his long mouth stitched shut. He hides it sometimes with his jacket or shirt collar. My cat was hiding. We heard it but I dont think anyone else did. Now he makes no noise or movement in fear of scaring me again. I think he feeds off of my thoughts and emotions. When he startled me he felt the same fear I did and he screamed when I felt like screaming. He isnt calm all the time. He radiates anger or sadness and sometimes joy. Usually it is just confusion. He doesn't understand. He is around the most often and I talk to him to calm down. Kitty doesn't trust him but he has had plenty of chances to hurt me and hasn't yet. Maybe he just doesn't know how to. Maybe he doesn't want to. I don't know.

There is also a giant black dog with two heads. One sleeps but the other stares and growls. The sleeping one controls the body. I saw it for the first time laying in the hallway on a pile of laundry. I had to use the bathroom but the aggressive head scared me. I called for my dad over and over but he didn't hear me. I knew he couldn't see it anyway but I just needed to see something REAL. Not something and not nothing. Something that everyone can see. He eventually woke up and turned on the light and I got to the bathroom. I ran back and jumped over the dog when I finished. It isn't frequent but when it shows up I do everything I can to avoid it.

A little girl is another something. She however is something a lot of people saw. Her name is Molly. She died in a fire at my old house. She showed up when I was younger. My childhood best friend and I both saw her as well as other kids on the block. She grew jealous as time went on, angry that we were alive. She started doing dangerous stunts and putting all of us in danger. I had to send her away. She wasn't happy and I don't like talking about how it happened. It hurts to remember.

There is another little girl but she is not Molly. She is a nothing. I haven't seen her. She shows up from the mirror. I was singing in the shower once and the lights dimmed and she sang along. I stopped and she continued the song and I peeked out but couldn't see her. My cat clawed at the door and eventually she stopped. Her shoe, I found it outside after a storm. The backyard was fenced in and the wind wasn't that strong so there was no way it had just blown over. It was a plain black shoe, a typical looking old school church one. I brought it inside and the next day I found it shriveled up and rotting. I felt sick and ended up throwing it away. It decayed quickly and I didn't want to think about the bone I had found in my backyard a few years before. A sock of the same size appeared in our laundry a few months later. I was folding clothes and dropped them when I saw that sock laying in the basket. I threw it out immediately but I found it later that night on my desk in my room. This nothing scares me. I have heard her crying and have found her clothes but I have never seen her.

There's a woman something. She has hair that covers her face and she walks around at night in a white and blue nightgown. If you see her then close your eyes and keep them shut. Do not open them until the morning. Sleep. If you open them she will be right there in front of you. Her hair will be out of her face and her skin is blue. She has black empty sockets and a shriveled up decaying hole where her mouth and nose were. She will scream and try to grab your eyes. Shut them before her nails hit them. I dont know what will happen if she gets your eyes. I shut mine as soon as I saw her "face". My cat crawled up and let me cling to her to slow my heart rate down and relax so I could sleep. She left Kitty alone.

Another nothing, I dont know what it is, manifests itself in mirrors. It taps on them. My friends and family have heard the tapping. When the mirror is fogged up, it distorts everything and completely changes you. It has made me look like I am decaying, like I have no eyes or no mouth, it always changes it. When the lights are off it will do the same thing. It will transform you into a hideous monster and attempt to attack you. It will show a creature behind you. Sometimes it will look like everything is the same but it will change one small detail. It moved my towel earlier. It got braver with me and now does it even when the mirror is clean and the lights are on. It will make me smile and change my eyes. It will put me in a different pose or it will make me talk to myself. I dont like this nothing because it is a something. I see it but it isnt any specific thing. It is an entity who has no limits inside of a reflective surface.

There are a lot of other things too but I will describe them later. I need to have more content right?

I know these aren't just simple spirits or demons or even just tricks of the mind because they have followed me. My surroundings have changed so how could they just be shadows or the way light hits a specific part of a room? It is all different but things stay.


	4. behind your eyelids

Everyone knows that fear  
That momentary panic you get when you close your eyes to wash your face  
Or rinse your hair  
Or in the dead of night when you try to sleep.  
You close your eyes and feel like you're being watched.  
It's true. You are.  
Your eyes fly open and you find there's nothing there.  
But what if I told you  
There was  
What if  
You opened them and  
The thing you feared was there  
Was staring directly back at you  
Grinning  
Tilting its head  
Reaching straight for you.  
What would you do  
If I told you  
They are always there  
Doing this  
You just   
Don't   
See.


End file.
